What’s the purpose of the conversation you’re having?

Is it to pass the time? Build a relationship? Gain information? Or something else?

It seems silly since we rarely stop to reflect why we’re having a given conversation, but the impact is significant.

Take a common conversational tactic for example – searching for similarity. One of the most effective ways to make small talk is simply looking for ways in which we’re similar to our conversational counterpart. That’s why so many of these types of conversations divulge into surface-level topics such as the weather, sports, local restaurant, shared acquaintences, etc.

If we’re looking to pass the time without being awkward, that’s a fine approach. If we want to have an enriching conversation, not so much.

Similarly, asking questions (ideally open-ended) is a great way to get to know someone better and to build an early stage relationship. This can even be useful in closer relationships when deployed properly.

But simply asking questions for the sake of asking them isn’t particularly useful in many situations. It’s often much better to ask a question and then listen. Not just to the words, but to the message behind it and the way in which the other person delivers the message.

I’ve had numerous conversations in which a simple question, or even an anecdote, has led a conversation down a path that I could’ve never foreseen – and often for the better. This opportunity is completeley lost if we’re content simply to “check the box” that we showed we cared by asking a question and then move on rather than truly listening.

Again, it gets back to the importance of understanding the purpose. Am I talking to this person because I want to get a list of answers, or do I truly want to engage in a meaningful two-way exchange?

Those two types of interactions end up feeling very different.

-Brandon